One of my favorite exercises when coaching executives is to ask them to describe their work, or a particular project or key relationship, from 2 perspectives:
- the perspective of failure (what’s lacking, not going well, and/or failing) and,
- the perspective of success (what’s working well, going better than expected).
I find value in doing this exercise myself. I can describe my work life as incredibly successful or as lacking (or even failing). On the one hand, I’ve founded and been CEO of 3 companies – that feels successful! On the other, all of the companies grew more slowly than originally projected, and one nearly went bankrupt when the 2001 dot-com bubble burst – failure! I have led mindfulness trainings worldwide, and lead an engaging weekly meditation group; I’ve helped lots of people – success! But there’s so much suffering and need in this world and I’ve barely made a dent in that – fail.
The point of this exploration is to foster greater insight and a more realistic perspective on the stories that we tell ourselves, and the myriad, often harsh judgments we make about ourselves. This exercise can help shift our perspective from the more fixed mindset of labels and judgment to a more open, curious, and resilient way of being. It can help cultivate more of a “beginner’s mind” – a mind of curiosity, appreciation, and learning.
When we approach life with a beginner’s mind, we let go of being an “expert.” Experts want to know; they want to be right. They routinely ask themselves: Am I succeeding or failing? But imagine for a moment if you approached your work like a beginner and gave up the need to be an expert. Imagine if you relaxed the need to feel safe, right, and important.
It may sound counterintuitive but this can actually bolster our confidence, flexibility, and effectiveness. This is true when it comes to leadership, healthy relationships, meditation practice, and enjoying and appreciating this human life. Curiosity, openness, and being aware of how much we don’t know are considerably more effective strategies than attempting to become an expert, then having to constantly prove or defend our expertise.
This attitude can also be useful when giving or receiving feedback. Often when I’m teaching or giving talks I like to ask 3 questions:
- What worked well?
- What could have been better?
- What surprised you?
These questions help me to move toward a more open, beginner’s-mind-way of improving my work.
So, with this in mind – ask yourself this question: would you rather be focused on an outcome or the conscious experience in any given situation? What story do you tell yourself, and others, about your wins, your losses, and your experiences along the way when you consider your work, your relationships, and your life? Could it be time to change “the moral” of your story?